Sunday, May 17, 2015

Are you okay?

Everyone always asks me, are you okay? I absolutely hate this question. Of course i'm not okay. If I was then you wouldn't be asking me this. The answer is I am not okay, but I will be. day. Every day I face some sort of struggle, whether it's small or large. But lately iv'e been facing the struggle of being alone. To many, this sounds like a small struggle, but it's been effecting me a lot more than it usually did in the past. I have always been alone is some sort of way, but lately it's been making me completely and utterly miserable. I'm not trying to sound like a drama queen or saying these things to be the center of attention; I am simply stating this because it's the truth. I feel alone in a sense of relationships. Yeah I have a few really good friends. But there's a part of me that has always been empty. All I have ever wanted in life is to find love. To give myself to someone completely. To share my life with someone. To wake up everyday knowing that i'm loved. I also don't have too many family relationships as of lately due to me moving out of my parents house months ago. It's difficult because all of my friends are much older than me. The majority of them are either engaged or in serious life relationships. Meanwhile i'm the lonely single one standing in the corner of the bar, too shy to interact with others. Which leads to last night. After spending the entire day hiking in Sedona (which sucked because I was totally and completely the third wheel) we went to the bar that night. I didn't want to go, but I went to support a good friend because her baby daddy was going to be there. After about 45 minutes of being there and taking two sips of my $7 long island iced tea, I told my friend I was leaving. We all drove over to the bar in one car, so I walked about three miles home in the ghetto. After walking about a quarter of the way, a creepy Asian man in a Volkswagon bug asked if i needed a ride. Obviously I said no because stranger danger. Once I reached the halfway mark I ended up calling my roommate and having her pick me up at a local Circle K. Fast forward 12 hours to the next day, a girl (my best friend's other best friend whom I secretly hate because she's a huge bitch) text me a novel. To sum it up she said that I was making a scene trying to be the center of attention. I didn't make a scene I simply told 2 people I was leaving and quietly left. She said that I was trying to start drama and that i'm not a supportive friend and that i'm going behind her back talking crap and that i'm betraying her. My best friend and I have been friends for three years. I support her and her relationship 100%. But don't I deserve to be happy as well? Everyone who's close to me in my life constantly tells me how much of an amazing person I am and that I deserve someone great who can make me happy and give me the world. Well this person has yet to come. I've never met anyone close enough to be this person. On the inside I feel that I deserve a good man, someone who I can love with all my heart and share my life with. My best friend of 8 years' father constantly tells me I'm perfect wifey status. But maybe I don't deserve a good guy. Maybe I should just settle for some average decent (secretly an asshole) kind of guy. I'm sick and tired of waiting. Tired of putting myself out there chasing after guys who don't or ever will feel the same way about me. Now I defiantly sound selfish because I'm making this about me. But everyone in my life is happily in love, which makes it so hard to be around them all the time. Then they pin it on me? Everyone is going on a Six Flags couples trip in July, but of course i'm not invited because I am not in a relationship, nor have I ever been in one. I just want to be as happy as everyone else in my life. I deserve that too. Is that really so much to ask for? My apologies for this blog post being so long. I know i'm not the best writer, but I like to write; it helps get things off my chest. 

Until next time......

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