Tuesday, May 26, 2015

All I've Ever Wanted

Tired of being used and abused. Wanted for my body and not my soul.
Pulled into every man trap out there, only to end up hurt and alone.

DO they still exist?
The good men: gentlemen with heats of gold who could never hurt you.

That's all I've ever wanted. To love someone unconditionally with all my heart and to give them the world.

Will this ever happen? Or will I forever be sad and alone?

Not Knowing

Depressed and stressed, an emotional mess.
Hides her fears and fights back the tears.
No one sees her pain. Her suffering in silence.
Puts on a face and drags throughout the days.
No one understands what she's going through, 
because not even she knows what's going on.
But then there's those days were she's genuinely happy.
And then there's nights where she's restless in pain,
not knowing what she'll wake up to the next day.
Some days good, others bad. 
Sad and alone. No support in her world.
Waiting for the one to come along to make her happy again.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Opposites Attract

I never really understood the the term opposites attract until last night. Because in my current situation it's the complete opposite. Last night I was on a third date with a guy. We went to a local bar where we saw multiple heavy metal bands play live. I have recently gotten into this type of music because one of my friends play in a heavy metal band. I genuinely thought that I liked this guy up until last night. He just looked absolutely miserable like he wasn't even having a good time. Don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciated that he came along just because it was something he knew I liked. And the only reason I went was to support one of my best friends. Rewind to when I first got to the bar, which was about an hour before my date got to the bar. I happened to meet two complete strangers. They were pretty chill, both bartenders who lived in the area. One was a tall good looking pretty boy who was 24 years old. The other one was a 27 year old,dark skinned and bearded, a little on the heavier side kind of man. They both were hilarious and extremely outgoing, which if y'all haven't picked up the vibe yet, I am the complete opposite of outgoing. I am the semi shy, socially awkward kind of person. Which is the exact type of person my date is. I never realized us being alike in this sorta way was a big deal. But last night, once my new found friends left things got weird between us. We had absolutely nothing to talk about. We have had little issues like this before as well. He's such a boring person to text but we could snapchat all day long, no problem at all. I guess I just liked his looks and his lifestyle. Tall skinny white guy, dark hair short beard, and the best part, blue eyes. Sorry guys, but i'm a sucker for brunettes. Even when I do meet guys who are the complete opposite of me and we vibe well, they always just so happen to be in a relationship. Which was the situation last night. The 27 year old and I vibed well, laughed a lot, and were secretly flirting with each other the entire time before my date arrived. I desperately wanted to give him my number, but of course he was taken. As is every good guy in this world. Another awkward moment last night was when the 27 year old asked if we were dating/together. I didn't respond because I don't know what me and this other guy are yet, hoping he would respond with some sort of answer like, no we're just friends or yeah we're dating; he didn't respond either. That was weird. But what's even weirder is that last night was our third date and we haven't even kissed yet! Don't get me wrong, i'm all for making the first move, but I've never felt like there's been a good perfect moment to do it between us. Three dates in one month and not even a kiss yet, that's pretty absurd if you ask me. Enough ranting for now; onto the next single candidate....... 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

All I want is to be Happy

I wish it didn't take every bone in my body and every ounce of energy I obtain to pretend to be happy. It's exhausting to go out and dissimulate being okay or that i'm having fun, when on the inside I am extremely unhappy. Some may call depressed. But that's more of a doctor term in my opinion. Aside from putting on makeup everyday, I also force myself to put on a smile. A smile to conceal my feelings, thoughts and fears. A smile to present to my co-workers, friends and family that i'm fine and have everything together. This is what I do on a daily basis, but that's not reality. In actuality I cry my eyes out the second I get home until I start to hyperventilate. Then I drink some water and receive a headache ten minutes later. This is where the Excedrin comes into place. I distance myself from my friends because I'm too scared. Afraid of what? I wish I knew. I wish I could stop being this unhappy. I wish I could flip an on switch in my brain to make me bubbly again, to let me have fun when I go out on weekends with my friends. Everyone in the world wants wealth of some sort. All I want is to be happy......

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


I know no one is actually reading this, but I will continue to tell myself someone is. I need to vent and lately friends are not an option. Which is where this blog post comes in place. Why is it that girl friends cause so much drama but guy friends don't? It's so much easier to be friends with men. They always have the BEST advice and will never stab you in the back like girls do. We also make great wing men for them and vice versa. Girls equal drama. I'm not saying that I don't have girl friends or am not against having a close group of gals, i'm just saying I don't have many. I've always said girls are bitches because it's true. I have two close girl friends. Friend.A and I have been friends for almost 8 years now. We are inseparable even though we live 1,500 miles apart. And even though we only see each other once every other year, it's as if nothings ever changed. Then there's Friend.B. We've been friends for almost 4 years now. My two best friends and I have nothing in common, especially Friend.B and I. Friend.B makes me push my limits, makes me outgoing and crazy, but still keeps me calm and sane at the same time. The point to this whole post is that I feel like my friendship with Friend.B is being torn apart right in front of my face and there's nothing I can do about it. It's like i'm scrambling to put the pieces back together but the glue isn't strong enough. None of this is my fault, it's a third party that is trying to destroy our friendship. I have nothing against this third party, I want to be her friend for the sake of Friend.B. This is all so complicated. I am tired of all this drama and just want it to end. I hate spending my days sad and depressed because of pointless stupid girl drama. I'm done with trying and failing, so for now i'm going to take a big step back and hope that some of this resolves on its own.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Are you okay?

Everyone always asks me, are you okay? I absolutely hate this question. Of course i'm not okay. If I was then you wouldn't be asking me this. The answer is I am not okay, but I will be. Eventually...one day. Every day I face some sort of struggle, whether it's small or large. But lately iv'e been facing the struggle of being alone. To many, this sounds like a small struggle, but it's been effecting me a lot more than it usually did in the past. I have always been alone is some sort of way, but lately it's been making me completely and utterly miserable. I'm not trying to sound like a drama queen or saying these things to be the center of attention; I am simply stating this because it's the truth. I feel alone in a sense of relationships. Yeah I have a few really good friends. But there's a part of me that has always been empty. All I have ever wanted in life is to find love. To give myself to someone completely. To share my life with someone. To wake up everyday knowing that i'm loved. I also don't have too many family relationships as of lately due to me moving out of my parents house months ago. It's difficult because all of my friends are much older than me. The majority of them are either engaged or in serious life relationships. Meanwhile i'm the lonely single one standing in the corner of the bar, too shy to interact with others. Which leads to last night. After spending the entire day hiking in Sedona (which sucked because I was totally and completely the third wheel) we went to the bar that night. I didn't want to go, but I went to support a good friend because her baby daddy was going to be there. After about 45 minutes of being there and taking two sips of my $7 long island iced tea, I told my friend I was leaving. We all drove over to the bar in one car, so I walked about three miles home in the ghetto. After walking about a quarter of the way, a creepy Asian man in a Volkswagon bug asked if i needed a ride. Obviously I said no because stranger danger. Once I reached the halfway mark I ended up calling my roommate and having her pick me up at a local Circle K. Fast forward 12 hours to the next day, a girl (my best friend's other best friend whom I secretly hate because she's a huge bitch) text me a novel. To sum it up she said that I was making a scene trying to be the center of attention. I didn't make a scene I simply told 2 people I was leaving and quietly left. She said that I was trying to start drama and that i'm not a supportive friend and that i'm going behind her back talking crap and that i'm betraying her. My best friend and I have been friends for three years. I support her and her relationship 100%. But don't I deserve to be happy as well? Everyone who's close to me in my life constantly tells me how much of an amazing person I am and that I deserve someone great who can make me happy and give me the world. Well this person has yet to come. I've never met anyone close enough to be this person. On the inside I feel that I deserve a good man, someone who I can love with all my heart and share my life with. My best friend of 8 years' father constantly tells me I'm perfect wifey status. But maybe I don't deserve a good guy. Maybe I should just settle for some average decent (secretly an asshole) kind of guy. I'm sick and tired of waiting. Tired of putting myself out there chasing after guys who don't or ever will feel the same way about me. Now I defiantly sound selfish because I'm making this about me. But everyone in my life is happily in love, which makes it so hard to be around them all the time. Then they pin it on me? Everyone is going on a Six Flags couples trip in July, but of course i'm not invited because I am not in a relationship, nor have I ever been in one. I just want to be as happy as everyone else in my life. I deserve that too. Is that really so much to ask for? My apologies for this blog post being so long. I know i'm not the best writer, but I like to write; it helps get things off my chest. 

Until next time......

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Alone and Happy

I believe people over think the idea of being alone. Why fear being alone? Why put the idea into your head that you always need to be in a relationship or to always have someone with you wherever you go. Learning to be alone is a great quality to have and a powerful thing to obtain. Today I drove an hour in rush hour to eat at Joe's Crab Shack by myself. After that I went to the movies alone. And let me tell you being alone is sometimes a wonderful thing.