I think

Every night I lie in bed and think of you.

I think of how different things could be if I changed the past.

If I never moved away.

If I kissed you every opportunity I had rather than pretend to be you friend when I know we both wanted more.

I think of how we met, how I felt whenever I was around you. 

I think of your life now, without me in it.

I think of how beautiful your new girlfriend is.

I think of how happy I am for your happiness.

I think of the family issues you're going through; wishing I could be there to hold your hand through the pain. 

I think of my own pain, the pain of never being yours, the pain knowing that we will never be together.

I think of you as the one that got away. 

I tell myself I'm over you, or that you don't matter anymore, but lying to myself never got me far.

I think it's time to let go. But I don't think I'm ready.... 

Mental Scars

Young girl, you have so much to learn.

You're blindsided by what you think love looks like.

Told you're too sensitive, put down for your thoughts and ideas.

Pointing out your flaws and insecurities; girl you don't know how beautiful you are.

Glossed over eyes, crying yourself to sleep.

Run and cry to mommy; she'll always be your best friend.

Controlling and intolerant.

Your daddy would've never treated you like that.

You can't see how frightened you truly are.

Your words hurt, leaving behind mental scars. 

Damaging your fragile, adventurous mind.

This is your life: a burning pit of fire in which you call 'love.'

Floating

Being around you is like being underwater.

Shortness of breath...you're toxic.

That feeling like you're floating-you make me feel so high.

But the deeper down you go, the harder it is to breathe.

You suffocate me, You're a black abyss.

But sometimes after a storm, the light reflects off your waves...and you shine.

You shine like the brightest star on the darkest winter nights.

I sink deeper and father away from you.

When I was downing, that's when I could finally breathe.

Why Dating Is Hard

 Okay I know I complain about being single, which is why iv'e been putting myself out there. Give me some credit here... Dating is extremely hard, just putting that out there. I'm not dating one person, I'm going on dates with multiple people. Did that just make me sound like a slut? I'm not sleeping with all these people, i'm simply going on dates with multiple men, and once I find one that I really like then I'll slowly let go of the others. I mean that's the only way to do it right? I'm putting myself out there, that's all that matters. Okay back to how dating is hard. Number 1: I spend multiple nights a week getting all dressed up to play small talk with guys. Don't get me wrong, I love to get to know people. But when you're dating multiple people you sometimes get them mixed up. Number 2: My fridge is overflowing with restaurant leftovers; I'm going to get fat from eating out so often. Number 3: Guys always want to come over and "cuddle" at the most least convenient times. I'm in yoga pants, drinking wine and watching Netflix. On top of that I haven't showered at all today, and i'm not wearing a bra or makeup. No I don't want you to come over. I just use the excuse, "I'm out with my friends." Number 4: I am such an awkward shy person on first dates, I'm surprised guys still like me. Honestly dating isn't as hard as i'm making it sound, I'm just tired of it. I just want to settle down already; with one person. Eventually I'll catch that one perfect fish; I have hope. 

All I've Ever Wanted

Tired of being used and abused. Wanted for my body and not my soul.

Pulled into every man trap out there, only to end up hurt and alone.

DO they still exist?

The good men: gentlemen with heats of gold who could never hurt you.

That's all I've ever wanted. To love someone unconditionally with all my heart and to give them the world.

Will this ever happen? Or will I forever be sad and alone?

Not Knowing

Depressed and stressed, an emotional mess.

Hides her fears and fights back the tears.

No one sees her pain. Her suffering in silence.

Puts on a face and drags throughout the days.

No one understands what she's going through, 

because not even she knows what's going on.

But then there's those days were she's genuinely happy.

And then there's nights where she's restless in pain,

not knowing what she'll wake up to the next day.

Some days good, others bad. 

Sad and alone. No support in her world.

Waiting for the one to come along to make her happy again.

Opposites Attract

I never really understood the the term opposites attract until last night. Because in my current situation it's the complete opposite. Last night I was on a third date with a guy. We went to a local bar where we saw multiple heavy metal bands play live. I have recently gotten into this type of music because one of my friends play in a heavy metal band. I genuinely thought that I liked this guy up until last night. He just looked absolutely miserable like he wasn't even having a good time. Don't get me wrong, I greatly appreciated that he came along just because it was something he knew I liked. And the only reason I went was to support one of my best friends. Rewind to when I first got to the bar, which was about an hour before my date got to the bar. I happened to meet two complete strangers. They were pretty chill, both bartenders who lived in the area. One was a tall good looking pretty boy who was 24 years old. The other one was a 27 year old,dark skinned and bearded, a little on the heavier side kind of man. They both were hilarious and extremely outgoing, which if y'all haven't picked up the vibe yet, I am the complete opposite of outgoing. I am the semi shy, socially awkward kind of person. Which is the exact type of person my date is. I never realized us being alike in this sorta way was a big deal. But last night, once my new found friends left things got weird between us. We had absolutely nothing to talk about. We have had little issues like this before as well. He's such a boring person to text but we could snapchat all day long, no problem at all. I guess I just liked his looks and his lifestyle. Tall skinny white guy, dark hair short beard, and the best part, blue eyes. Sorry guys, but i'm a sucker for brunettes. Even when I do meet guys who are the complete opposite of me and we vibe well, they always just so happen to be in a relationship. Which was the situation last night. The 27 year old and I vibed well, laughed a lot, and were secretly flirting with each other the entire time before my date arrived. I desperately wanted to give him my number, but of course he was taken. As is every good guy in this world. Another awkward moment last night was when the 27 year old asked if we were dating/together. I didn't respond because I don't know what me and this other guy are yet, hoping he would respond with some sort of answer like, no we're just friends or yeah we're dating; he didn't respond either. That was weird. But what's even weirder is that last night was our third date and we haven't even kissed yet! Don't get me wrong, i'm all for making the first move, but I've never felt like there's been a good perfect moment to do it between us. Three dates in one month and not even a kiss yet, that's pretty absurd if you ask me. Enough ranting for now; onto the next single candidate.......